Sorry about the pity party I held for myself yesterday. Seems that sometimes, I just get enraged and desperate trying to deal with all of the emotions and feelings of helplessness. Dealing with my baby being sick, I guess that sometimes, I just need a good cry, as a stress reliever.
On a lighter note, I went for a job interview today, and I am extremely excited and hopeful. I honestly think that God was just wanting me to wait for a job that would offer me the things that I want, and at a place that I can spend a few years at least.
I came home, put my chickens up, which still aren't laying yet, but I read that sometimes, new hens will take into account weather, and may wait till spring to start. Oh well, I was looking forward to a dozen a day. That will come soon enough. I just love watching them peck around, and I love how they run, all waddle like toward me, expecting a treat. Boy, Big Mamma, my barred rock hen, she is pushy. If you take to long to give her her treat, she will just fly up and snatch it. Cracks me up.
This new Rooster that I have, is a French Buttercup, I will have to take some pics to post later. He is beautiful, and so much nicer than the Welsummer that I gave to a guy that works with my husband. That Welsummer was horrible. He attacked me constantly, when I watered, when I fed, and even when I collected eggs. He made it no fun to even watch them. So glad that someone could use him, because he was going to hit the stew pot, if he stayed here.
Having a hard time deciding whether to keep my Frenchie, because I love the Americauna, and my brother has way too many roosters. I like the guy that I have, but I really love the Americauna breed, and was kind of hoping to put it into my yard bird breed. I plan on hatching some this spring, or even late winter. The Salmon Faverolle are my fave's, but if I get some I won't want them mixed into my yard flock.
Enough about my chickens, my poor dog Sampson got sprayed by a skunk two nights ago, and he is so sad. He is my baby though, so he has to have a bath in the morning. It is getting too cold at night for him to stay outside, at least for me, lol. He is the sweetest thing, I tell him that he is our blessing. I also tell him how handsome he is, and I think that he knows what I am talking about. Silly boy. He even tries to talk back to me. I will have to post pics of him also. He is a chesapeake bay retriever. We got him from my brother and sister-in-law. He was sitting on their doorstep when they came home from their honeymoon, and they couldn't keep him, so we said that we would. One of the best decisions we ever made!
Well, Christmas is around the corner, and I think that it is time to get to making presents. I'm going to make quilts for my nephews in Connecticut, Jett and Pheonix. David, my brother, bought an embroidery machine, so I'm going to have him embroider their names in them once I get them done. I sure am going to miss my babies, but I know that they had to go. Just makes the times that we see them even more special. I am going to get on a 4lb. batch of hot process soap in the next week, and get to making some perfumes for the girls. I just love Christmas! We were worried about having space to put up the tree, since our house is under construction. I use that word lightly too! We are tearing out our downstairs, due to a mold problem, and expanding. We just bought a tree that would fit on our kitchen table, and had the kids decorate it. They were so happy, you should have seen their faces light up.
Thank you God, for my blessings, for they are too numerous to count, and forgive me for my moments of weakness, when I forget to be greatful!
Thursday, December 8, 2011
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
Derrian 1
I guess that this is going to be my pity party post. Not a very good way to start, but this is what is inside me right now. I am just having one of those days where I have lost my footing and am stumbling. I sometimes think that the only reason I keep going is because I will not lay down and accept this fate. Not for me or my family.
I guess that I should start from the beginning. At least, as much of the beginning as I can, from this point of momentary bleakness that I am feeling in my heart. How do you express to someone the total feeling of helplessness you feel, if they don't have a child that has ever been ill? Sometimes I wonder if I am going crazy, and it is just that I don't know how to be a mother. Other times, I get angry, and just want to scream at the top of my lungs.
I was 19 yrs. old when I gave birth to the most beautiful little girl in the world. We all think that, right? Well, I thought that nothing could be scarier or better than the feelings that I was feeling at that moment, holding her in my arms, and thinking to myself, "Holy Crap, this is real, and mine, and you want ME to take care of this, and be responsible for this for the rest of my life? What were you thinking GOD?" Well, I guess that I still feel that way most of the time. Today though, I feel as if I am failing again. I know after I write this and do some good crying, that I will feel stronger, and braver tomorrow.
Derrian was 9 months old the first time she got a UTI. I will never forget it, because that is also when I found out that she was allergic to sulfa drugs. Sitting in the ER at the Indian Hospital, watching the kid with mild poison ivy go in for a shot, while my 9 month old baby projectile vomited across the room, her entire body covered in an ugly cherry red rash, and her running a fever of 103F. I was so scared, and new, and dumb.
At 11 months, they decided to do a VCUG on her, and while I watched her scream, I thought, that this would get me the results that we need to fix this. Wrong, they found nothing. That meant that every two weeks for the next 9 yrs. we would be at the doctors office again to get another antibiotic for another UTI, even though nothing was wrong, it was probably poor parenting. Wow, to be a failure before I even started.
At 3.5 yrs, the tumor that she was born with, under her left arm, that they told me was nothing to worry about, turns into a huge red baseball size mass, that has red fingers of infection, streaking around her little body. She was running a fever of 102F, and it was increasing a degree every hour. The PCP sends me to see a surgeon, who sends us to the emergency room, to prepare for emergency removal. I don't think that I have ever been so scared in my life. Four hours later, this amazing surgeon comes out and tells me that it was just a big capillary tumor, and that she removed all of it that she was comfortable with. I was just so relieved to have it over that I could barely breathe. Poor baby, she felt so much better afterward, that she didn't even want tylenol. All I could think to myself, was, "How could I have not seen that she was in so much pain? What is wrong with me?" Not fair, I know, but hey, I'm a mom.
At 9, I decided to send her to a new doctor and plead with them to figure out what was wrong, why does she have all of these UTI's? Since they had already done a VCUG, it took some convincing, but they decided to do another.
As I'm holing my baby girls hand, and listening to her scream, they start to tell me that there is nothing wrong again, and the voice inside my head is screaming, "NO!, there is something, please GOD, help us!!" The doctor says he just wants to wait a little longer, and then ahhhhh, there it is, just delayed ureter reflux. I felt like someone had lifted an amazing weight off of my shoulders. Ahhh, what a relief.
One other thing, my little girl, is not a little girl anymore, she started gaining weight at the age of 4yrs. Not normal weight gain, she looks like she is pregnant. They have no reason for this either. Still don't. Finally, I feel like we have some answers and everything is going to get better from here. Well, it isn't. It doesn't. Please God, help me, I need your strength today.
By the age of 9 yrs., my little girl weighs over 100 lbs. The doctors tell me that I need to pay more attention to what she is eating. Okay, like I don't watch every little thing that she puts into her mouth. The poor baby, food has become the center of her existence. What she can have, what she can't, how much, when, all the time, and constant. How unfair is this? She doesn't understand, and I am at a loss after so long, as to how to make her without screaming in my head, "BECAUSE I DON'T WANT YOU TO DIE!!"
I know that she is, and I know that I'm losing her, I'm fighting, but I know that at this point it is just a matter of time. Parents aren't supposed to have to bury their children, right? "Please God, Help me!"
My mother and I decide at the age of 10 yrs, that we want to have her tested for Cushing's disease, they run blood tests, twice, nothing. No reason as to her weight gain, but I should be aware, that she is high risk for diabetes. Really? Like I'm not aware. I am living this with her everyday!!
At 12 yrs, she is 180 lbs, and is now having excruciating stomach pains, that last all night, and keep her and I awake. I can't sleep when she is laying in the floor screaming, curling her toes! I am helpless!! So helpless, I will take all of her pain, please, just let it stop. We see the PCP, who sends her to a surgeon, to decide if it may be chronic appendicitis, and btw, did you know that your child's liver enzymes are really high?
Next week, they are normal though, and they can't figure out what is wrong with her, it must be emotional. They take turns pulling her into rooms, to make sure that her father or I aren't abusing her. Poor baby, like she needs to feel guilty on top of the pain that she is experiencing. Guilt is what she is feeling now though, apologizing to me over and over for being so much trouble. How do I take that? I am the mom, I just want her to be a normal healthy kid. I just want her to be able to wake up and know what it is like to feel healthy, to not hurt, and to want to go play!
Three months later, they decide to do exploratory surgery, I think trying to get me to say that no, no, not necessary. All the while, all I can think is, Please, just stop her pain! Surgery is scheduled, and guess what? Her gall bladder is diseased. No stones, no sludge, just constantly contracting, and causing her constant pain. Wow, three months to figure out it was her gall bladder, really? Can the poor girl catch a break?
A few weeks later, the scar under her left arm where they removed her tumor, is black, not swollen, but black. A circle, about the size of a golf ball, but no swelling. I thought that it was weird, and decided to take her to the doctor. It didn't look bad, I thought that maybe she had just bumped it. The doctor decides that she needs to see the surgeon that performed the surgery almost ten years ago. Guess what, it's back, and way bigger than last time. So, let's have surgery again, and remove it, again. BTW, just so you know mom, this could affect her breast development on the left side, but we will worry about that later. Doc comes out and says that she got it all this time. Thank God, that she is okay, but am I? Whew, no time to worry about that now. Got two babies, and they both need you. Suck it up, suffer in silence, at least that is what I was taught as a kid.
By 14, she is 197 lbs. She has been gaining, and I keep telling them, something is wrong, they just tell me that she isn't eating right. Okay, now what? I don't know what to do. So, btw, I have them run a thyroid panel and a fasting glucose on her every year, because I can't think of anything else to do, and she is Native American, blood sugar is something to be concerned about. They don't even blink when her Blood pressure soars to 195/110 or higher. Really? What do I need to do to get someone's attention?
Doctor finally says, oh, wait, her thyroid is totally jacked. I think we need to start her on thyroid pills. Good, think, maybe that will help with this weight gain. Nope, I don't think anything will. Oh, God, what do I do? How do I help her? I have beaten down so many door, and all I get are doctors who want to treat her symptoms and not find out what is going on...what is going on??
The following weekend, after her hypothyroidism diagnosis, we are visiting her grandparents, and all of sudden she looks at me, and says that something is wrong mom, something is terribly wrong. She looks gray, and shaky, and I am SCARED!! Guess what, her blood sugar is 32. Yeah, 32, and we just had a fasting glucose done not two weeks before.
The doctor decides that she is hypoglycemic, but she isn't. Now, she is diabetic. Full blown type 2. 15 yrs. old weight at 230 lbs. still, must be bad parenting.
Here she is tonight, lying on my bed, crying about how bad she feels, the hump on her back in as hard as a rock. The dark patches around her neck are red an raw. Her back is out, you can see it. She has new Strectch marks all across her body. I will give my life for hers Lord, please, help me. I'm so tired, but I won't stop, I can't. I am a mother. So, I will go and check that she is still breathing, she has apnea now, with her weight, and I will pray, as I run my fingers through her hair, and I will whisper in her ear, "Thank you, for being my baby. Thank you for picking me. I Love you baby." I just sometimes wonder, am I the right choice?
I guess that I should start from the beginning. At least, as much of the beginning as I can, from this point of momentary bleakness that I am feeling in my heart. How do you express to someone the total feeling of helplessness you feel, if they don't have a child that has ever been ill? Sometimes I wonder if I am going crazy, and it is just that I don't know how to be a mother. Other times, I get angry, and just want to scream at the top of my lungs.
I was 19 yrs. old when I gave birth to the most beautiful little girl in the world. We all think that, right? Well, I thought that nothing could be scarier or better than the feelings that I was feeling at that moment, holding her in my arms, and thinking to myself, "Holy Crap, this is real, and mine, and you want ME to take care of this, and be responsible for this for the rest of my life? What were you thinking GOD?" Well, I guess that I still feel that way most of the time. Today though, I feel as if I am failing again. I know after I write this and do some good crying, that I will feel stronger, and braver tomorrow.
Derrian was 9 months old the first time she got a UTI. I will never forget it, because that is also when I found out that she was allergic to sulfa drugs. Sitting in the ER at the Indian Hospital, watching the kid with mild poison ivy go in for a shot, while my 9 month old baby projectile vomited across the room, her entire body covered in an ugly cherry red rash, and her running a fever of 103F. I was so scared, and new, and dumb.
At 11 months, they decided to do a VCUG on her, and while I watched her scream, I thought, that this would get me the results that we need to fix this. Wrong, they found nothing. That meant that every two weeks for the next 9 yrs. we would be at the doctors office again to get another antibiotic for another UTI, even though nothing was wrong, it was probably poor parenting. Wow, to be a failure before I even started.
At 3.5 yrs, the tumor that she was born with, under her left arm, that they told me was nothing to worry about, turns into a huge red baseball size mass, that has red fingers of infection, streaking around her little body. She was running a fever of 102F, and it was increasing a degree every hour. The PCP sends me to see a surgeon, who sends us to the emergency room, to prepare for emergency removal. I don't think that I have ever been so scared in my life. Four hours later, this amazing surgeon comes out and tells me that it was just a big capillary tumor, and that she removed all of it that she was comfortable with. I was just so relieved to have it over that I could barely breathe. Poor baby, she felt so much better afterward, that she didn't even want tylenol. All I could think to myself, was, "How could I have not seen that she was in so much pain? What is wrong with me?" Not fair, I know, but hey, I'm a mom.
At 9, I decided to send her to a new doctor and plead with them to figure out what was wrong, why does she have all of these UTI's? Since they had already done a VCUG, it took some convincing, but they decided to do another.
As I'm holing my baby girls hand, and listening to her scream, they start to tell me that there is nothing wrong again, and the voice inside my head is screaming, "NO!, there is something, please GOD, help us!!" The doctor says he just wants to wait a little longer, and then ahhhhh, there it is, just delayed ureter reflux. I felt like someone had lifted an amazing weight off of my shoulders. Ahhh, what a relief.
One other thing, my little girl, is not a little girl anymore, she started gaining weight at the age of 4yrs. Not normal weight gain, she looks like she is pregnant. They have no reason for this either. Still don't. Finally, I feel like we have some answers and everything is going to get better from here. Well, it isn't. It doesn't. Please God, help me, I need your strength today.
By the age of 9 yrs., my little girl weighs over 100 lbs. The doctors tell me that I need to pay more attention to what she is eating. Okay, like I don't watch every little thing that she puts into her mouth. The poor baby, food has become the center of her existence. What she can have, what she can't, how much, when, all the time, and constant. How unfair is this? She doesn't understand, and I am at a loss after so long, as to how to make her without screaming in my head, "BECAUSE I DON'T WANT YOU TO DIE!!"
I know that she is, and I know that I'm losing her, I'm fighting, but I know that at this point it is just a matter of time. Parents aren't supposed to have to bury their children, right? "Please God, Help me!"
My mother and I decide at the age of 10 yrs, that we want to have her tested for Cushing's disease, they run blood tests, twice, nothing. No reason as to her weight gain, but I should be aware, that she is high risk for diabetes. Really? Like I'm not aware. I am living this with her everyday!!
At 12 yrs, she is 180 lbs, and is now having excruciating stomach pains, that last all night, and keep her and I awake. I can't sleep when she is laying in the floor screaming, curling her toes! I am helpless!! So helpless, I will take all of her pain, please, just let it stop. We see the PCP, who sends her to a surgeon, to decide if it may be chronic appendicitis, and btw, did you know that your child's liver enzymes are really high?
Next week, they are normal though, and they can't figure out what is wrong with her, it must be emotional. They take turns pulling her into rooms, to make sure that her father or I aren't abusing her. Poor baby, like she needs to feel guilty on top of the pain that she is experiencing. Guilt is what she is feeling now though, apologizing to me over and over for being so much trouble. How do I take that? I am the mom, I just want her to be a normal healthy kid. I just want her to be able to wake up and know what it is like to feel healthy, to not hurt, and to want to go play!
Three months later, they decide to do exploratory surgery, I think trying to get me to say that no, no, not necessary. All the while, all I can think is, Please, just stop her pain! Surgery is scheduled, and guess what? Her gall bladder is diseased. No stones, no sludge, just constantly contracting, and causing her constant pain. Wow, three months to figure out it was her gall bladder, really? Can the poor girl catch a break?
A few weeks later, the scar under her left arm where they removed her tumor, is black, not swollen, but black. A circle, about the size of a golf ball, but no swelling. I thought that it was weird, and decided to take her to the doctor. It didn't look bad, I thought that maybe she had just bumped it. The doctor decides that she needs to see the surgeon that performed the surgery almost ten years ago. Guess what, it's back, and way bigger than last time. So, let's have surgery again, and remove it, again. BTW, just so you know mom, this could affect her breast development on the left side, but we will worry about that later. Doc comes out and says that she got it all this time. Thank God, that she is okay, but am I? Whew, no time to worry about that now. Got two babies, and they both need you. Suck it up, suffer in silence, at least that is what I was taught as a kid.
By 14, she is 197 lbs. She has been gaining, and I keep telling them, something is wrong, they just tell me that she isn't eating right. Okay, now what? I don't know what to do. So, btw, I have them run a thyroid panel and a fasting glucose on her every year, because I can't think of anything else to do, and she is Native American, blood sugar is something to be concerned about. They don't even blink when her Blood pressure soars to 195/110 or higher. Really? What do I need to do to get someone's attention?
Doctor finally says, oh, wait, her thyroid is totally jacked. I think we need to start her on thyroid pills. Good, think, maybe that will help with this weight gain. Nope, I don't think anything will. Oh, God, what do I do? How do I help her? I have beaten down so many door, and all I get are doctors who want to treat her symptoms and not find out what is going on...what is going on??
The following weekend, after her hypothyroidism diagnosis, we are visiting her grandparents, and all of sudden she looks at me, and says that something is wrong mom, something is terribly wrong. She looks gray, and shaky, and I am SCARED!! Guess what, her blood sugar is 32. Yeah, 32, and we just had a fasting glucose done not two weeks before.
The doctor decides that she is hypoglycemic, but she isn't. Now, she is diabetic. Full blown type 2. 15 yrs. old weight at 230 lbs. still, must be bad parenting.
Here she is tonight, lying on my bed, crying about how bad she feels, the hump on her back in as hard as a rock. The dark patches around her neck are red an raw. Her back is out, you can see it. She has new Strectch marks all across her body. I will give my life for hers Lord, please, help me. I'm so tired, but I won't stop, I can't. I am a mother. So, I will go and check that she is still breathing, she has apnea now, with her weight, and I will pray, as I run my fingers through her hair, and I will whisper in her ear, "Thank you, for being my baby. Thank you for picking me. I Love you baby." I just sometimes wonder, am I the right choice?
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